Am so relieved that I finally finished the study proposal to go with the portfolio requested by my first recommender. A little bit of hiya on my part because it took me three weeks to do it (and to think she quickly replied to my request). Knowing how generous she has been then and now, I'd like to think I can go out on a limb in this case.

It's one of those downtimes when you just know you could be encoding something or reading a book for a requirement. But I thought, it's alright, just let it all hang.

And let it all hang I did, and so I called up Anna, who I haven't talked to in a long while. The one thing I wonder about her is that every time I see her or hear something about her, something's always ailing her. The last time, she had a fever. Tonight, her migraine's acting up.

Migraines suck. It's true how she described it over the phone - parang binibiyak ang ulo mo. Or in my case, that plus the throbbing that I can't stand.

I told her about the high school classmates gossip bit I mentioned in the last post. Since she's so out of the circuit of information, she was shocked. I could imagine her mouth dropping wide open for several seconds. I told her what I told Candy - I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out to be serious. Two reasons - they're both 30 and they're not getting any younger.

Ah, the 'not getting any younger' business. For several years, I felt like I was 23. I sure acted like I was 23. What age do I feel like now? Ageless. (Lame, lame, Amy, lame.)

Seriously, I'm beginning to see age as something that becomes real when you see that blank box in every application form you have to fill. It's that numbered candle on top of your cake (assuming you still celebrate your birthday with a cake). It serves more of as a reference point than a part of your identity.

In my case, 30 was a kick in the butt. I made hard and fast decisions on what it is that I really wanted to do, who I've been all this time and what I couldn't put up with anymore. Now that whole bit about people deciding on what they want when they turn 30 may be true. In our high school class' case, people started getting hitched in increasing numbers from 28-30. Bong then supplied the information that come 34-35, the hitching itch escalates once again, with the complication of the 'my eggs are deteriorating, I must make babies' pressure.

I have a good set of 30-something friends from the dorm who, despite relationships and a marriage, have stayed the same. I hate it when some of my 30-something friends start doing what I call the insurance-tuition talk. In other words, these are those who have subsumed their identity to motherhood, so much so that I can't 'see' them anymore. Their children are their image shields. I can say this with conviction because I have married friends who have children and they still have their personalities intact.

Another thing: my threshold for moral ambiguities have stretched to unbelievable limits. I guess this has something to do with the fact that I am gradually weaning myself from my made-up universe in which everything has something to do with me. I took every irritable thing personally, when for all I know, it didn't have anything to do with me. In other words, the ego is taking a long holiday in the South of France. A long, long holiday.

Shifting the tone of this post, what would be cool for me right now is if I could go to a concert. As in an arena-size concert with an act like Franz Ferdinand or Radiohead. Watching a Radiohead concert would be a dream.

Another cool thing would be for me to have another one of those long stretches of time with a fantastic friend. Landmark to this day - my Malate hang-out with Les. We just ate, chatted, talked about our family histories and conjured fantastic scenarios which appealed to both of us. The one thing I appreciated about that time was the fact that there was no concern for time, a job waiting the next day, any restriction like that. If I had any regret about it, it's the absence of a camera. We would probably have taken pictures of other people and made fun of them.

My favorite incident of getting lost in an unknown place and actually relishing it was the time Aileen and I got lost while walking back to Joffin's apartment. We were staring to get fidgety but not too much to panic and betray our fear. Not that Paolo's guided instructions over the phone were of great help. Anyway, we managed to get home alive.

Aileen is another friend who I end up chatting for hours and hours at a time. There was a time when she visited me in Diliman. As this was a time when cellphones were still rare, we relied on our verbal appointment the day before. It rained the entire afternoon and I wasn't sure if she could still make it to Diliman from Makati. Still, I waited at FC.

Not long after, she was walking towards me. The rains were reduced to very light drizzling. Just enough drizzling for us to head to my favorite isaw stand across Ilang Ilang Dorm. She liked the isaw so much that she consumed 20 sticks' worth. (I bought 16 sticks.)

Realizing that that was just dinner (an early dinner at that), we then decided to let our stomachs recover with coffee at the Starbucks branch in Katipunan. (At the time, Starbucks Katips was still tolerable.) We talked and talked and talked until we realized that the security guard was starting to pull down the retractable aluminum shutters. It was past 2 am.

Then there was the time when gas was still cheap and I could bring Mimi the Beetle around and I would hang out with U and Dennis at APEC and make eye contact with the cows. (For their part, the car tires would make contact with their cowpiles.) It's a wonder we managed to have our classes the next day. We all grew fat that semester. I still get a kick when former students see me now and can't recognize me with my smaller frame and longer hair. Ah kiddies, time flies when you're having fun.

All these may be few and far between now but I like them that way. They dot my recollection of all those years and, all in all, they rocked.

Hey, when was the last time I had a bump car ride?