present progressive

i am not myself.
i was not myself.

an apologia, an excuse, a detachment from the body. where is the person uttering these words? not myself...i want to convert the intention of these words into something other than it pointing to something else.

"i am not myself" necessitates a cause, a person. "i am myself" is like the period in a sentence. i am myself is a defiant sentence. nobody really uses the words "i am myself." one hears such things as "i am this physical attribute" or "i am this profession." one does not hear something as naked as "i am myself."

one, however, is bombarded by commercial culture with the sentence "be yourself." it has the flavor of assuming a position already earmarked for you. where did this position come from? one can look to the nature vs nurture argument for this question. "be yourself" was constructed with the intent to celebrate each person's uniqueness, that one should not disown it or be ashamed of it despite the herd-like mentality of the early years and societal pressures faced by a young adult. i think only when you're in your 50s when you've forgiven yourself for not toeing society's line, so to speak.

(to be continued)

(special thanks to a. for reminding me of the importance of always having paper and pen by your side.)