and so it is, yes (or the anatomy of a departure)

first i hear whispers, then it creeps upon you, creeping shifts to dread, dread turns to tears, tears are a reminder of a fundamental failure, failure gnaws at your heart, heart bleeds, boggles the mind, torments the mind, mind is exhausted, voices implore, the heart wonders, the curious cat wanders, finds its target but does not flinch (maybe the blow has been softened?), then the eventuality, then the resignation, then the redemption, then the disgust, disgust floods - does it really matter when, how, who, what do have to do with all of it? why bother? i've known all along, such pretense, - my heart bleeds, my heart stops for a moment, the mind knows how to revive itself, other voices revive, other voices nourish, other voices remind me of the one who always was, is, will be, no regret, live and let live, tears gush, tears are a reminder of a fundamental failure, unwanted images sneak at the back door, no longer to be let in, no more, no more, no more, no more, you disgust me, but then i have no feeling left for disgust (at least for you, so be grateful), i look elsewhere, i've forgotten elsewhere, oh yes, it was never always this, you, that place and time, this dread, this ache, this conscience, pride, dignity, resolve, decision, heart, mind, self. above everything else.

pretense no longer suffices, it is no longer about the pretense because it no longer matters and then a spark - ah! it no longer matters because it stopped mattering. i was reduced to pity, reduced to killing time - oh, that last time? it was out of pity, it was killing time, thanks but no thanks - like a half-dead kitty, like a disappointing movie. disappointing. half-dead. dead? certainly not me.

maybe you were thinking of someone else. last time i checked, i was cradled in the loving arms of the hopeful and the everlasting. it was only i who keep forgetting the directions. i'll never let go of the map ever, ever again.

first the burning. then the erasure. it comes in small acts but when they add up, boy, you never know what hit you. those worms wriggling under the blistering sun? they sure never looked so delightful.

funny how the last pieces of the puzzle truly fall into place because no matter what, i will always have the right to change my mind. it has and this time it's never looking back.