iPod state of mind: all out of love by air supply...

...and i don't relish one bit that ten hours after i heard it blaring through the speakers of the jeep i took going to calamba, the song is still playing in my head. yet, it kind of feels right for the moment. something familiar and friendly, owing to the kotex commercial which made use of the song.

a. and i were playing 'catching up on our lives' over lunch. i was happy that she was happy for me - the fact that another university took me in at the last minute, the fact that i was able to land a good place to live in (even if i haven't seen it - i just know for sure), the fact that all these took place in less than a month. we relished the prospect of meeting up in q.c., minus the cheap coffee that bean hub has to offer. the conversation progressed to discussing the finer details of being financially stable - saving up, keeping bills to a minimum, making sound investments. i was not surprised that we were not far apart in terms of being chronic savers (notwithstanding my constant trips to bean hub and my food splurges in manila of late). i made a mental note to finally open either a dollar account or a time-deposit. (methinks the latter would be better, thus not making me the target of 'could you lend me...')

she asked me if i was an iPod type of person. i replied that while i have a certain degree of fascination for gadgets, i draw the line at iPods. like the experience of ripping the plastic out of a newly-purchased book, i still derive some pleasure out of opening a cd case and leafing through the cover. some of the cds i've purchased that have wonderful cover art include pearl jam's yield, tori amos' the beekeeper and radiohead's ok computer. moreover, i consider it a ritual to press the 'open' button of the player and pop in a cd and wait until it clicks back to 'play' position. i don't know, maybe if an iPod came my way packed with my favorite songs, i just might change my mind.

in her recent post, durga mentions her summer concert line-up. now this is the one thing i really, really envy her for - summer stage at central park, the music festivals she and p. go through the trouble of road trips for, etc. i saw the names fiona apple, damien rice and edie brickell (with the new bohemians, still in circulation). my heart sighs. (sigh) last weekend i got to hear damien rice's aching song (what song of his is NOT aching anyway?) cannonball (not exactly a title that refers to an aching song) in the movie in good company. it played to a rather tender scene - it was when the characters of topher grace and scarlet johannson (or is it johannsen?) were walking through chinatown and an old fishmonger threw the remains of melted ice and discarded fish parts in front of them. no, i did not fancy myself skipping over fish guck with someone i'd date. a picnic would be nice. or something nerdier: a trip to strand while going ooh-ing and aah-ing, confirming that yes, it does contain 8 miles of books. lord have mercy.

i finally got it out from nanay - she does not understand my predilection for wearing tsinelas to my classes. like my fondness for wearing t-shirts with a fancy skirt, she pauses for what feels like forever, waiting for me to realize that she'd rather that i wear a sack than to don tsinelas and t-shirt. now that the question of wardrobe is looming in the horizon, i can see it spelt across her face: i told you so, i told you so. oh, mother. you and your balloon skirts in the 50's. how your hair was so set in place, with those roller-formed curls on the sides and your pre-knoxville-pre-pecan-pie figure. i probe my tummy and like durga, i feel my age. am i also dreading it as most of my contemporaries do? i think the fact that the last three weeks happened is an indication. there's a certain urgency to being 30 that makes you think of lifelong decisions (okay kids, tune out now). like it or not, it is a signpost.

what do i really think of turning 30? well for one thing, i'm looking forward to it this year as i'll be in bukidnon on that date, a day before a.'s wedding. am thinking of silly things - would i be wearing that floral earthy dress i've dreamed of wearing to a day wedding? would i be dancing the waltz with some geek or something? (mental rolodex: does a. have geeky friends? i highly doubt it. an even better question: would there be dancing in the first place? a. hasn't even gone about planning anyway.)

i'm chatting with t., who's in washington d.c. and who tells me that the temperature is playing around 47F. i replied that while i was in burlington, vt., i had to endure 41F. and this was before i learned how to operate the radiator in my room. idiot.

hmm, considering that i've vowed not to be chattier than usual, i feel and sound more animated than usual. d. observed that my text messages of late sounded happier. i later replied that it's only the other day that the reality of my impending move is sinking in.

:-) happy puppy (teka, tapusin ko na ito, kahit ako, nauumay na sa sarili ko)

*****
every reading of that first undeclared fleeting letter always feels tender, vulnerable, earnest and fearful. oh, when will it ever not feel that way?