ipod state of mind: shining light by ash, ten days by missy higgins

found myself in unexpected company at noontime yesterday. r., her friend a. (who was also accepted at ateneo) and n., my soon-to-be-former colleague at the department. was so used to calling her maam and it was rather odd that i still call her that at the table. (ended up with nameless conversation) our common link was r. which, as n. correctly said, was our saviour. i added what would become of our necks at the department if not for her?

learned that n. has a date for the defense of her dissertation. critic, check. panel, check. notwithstanding some irritants at the department, she'll finally get that dr. at the beginning of her name. was happy for her.

meanwhile, a. was making comments about her former institution and the degree of adjustments to be made at ateneo. i realized that it would be the first time i'd be at an institution other than up and it is indeed weird for me. there have been assurances that adjustments would be little. i keep thinking of the sprawling greens (alright, block out the smog and the occasional garbage trucks) and the libraries.

the only times when i felt that i was not clued in to their, well, generation were during references to marriage. and the existing stories i was certainly not privy to (and rightly so).

some more laughs and shop talk about this adviser and that professor and the oddballs at the department (what's new?). a peek at the group of caucasians at the next table, wondering if they're exchange students and what university are they from? should i apply at that university, haha.

back to n. and the question of what to feed the panel. i told them about the ban on feeding the panel at other departments as even what kind of food is served during the defense is cause for controversy. nora related the time when she delivered her professorial chair lecture at lb and, not really thinking about food, served buko pie. in lb. i said that it may have made a world of difference if she served the buko pie with a lovely ribbon of whipped cream on top. you know, presentation is everything. making the rote pleasantly unfamiliar.

more jokes about buko pie, faculty members with degrees inconsistent with the units they're at in, petty arguments which seem to not end. i sat there and found the entire proceeding as a glimpse of my next year. very promising, quite encouraging but it didn't exactly relieve that little pang that's been hounding me, making me more touchy than usual. i just brush it aside, as i really have no choice, do i?

*****

i don't know if this is necessary since i do this as part of a series of hits and misses but for what its worth, i'll say it anyway.

if you think that much of what is there (and there is a lot! intricate, complex, woven together through time and space) was greatly unravelled to reveal something fragile to begin with, you are very much mistaken. i leave your reticence to you, though much of it still befuddles me (but there are other tasks to be more concerned with, so it is, in the final analysis, a mere blip). i could only rely on what i feel and truly know. i do know myself, what i am capable of, what i cannot handle, what i cannot tolerate. i have to exercise that. another part of it is the fact that much of my disposition lies in how i view all these. these are things i am still getting to the bottom of. until then, i only work with what you offer on the table.

but even with this, do not be afraid. do not hold back. do not think twice. i don't think we'd go this far if there wasn't something to this, the least bit of humanity we strive for.