Dear Vicky,

Dahil dalawang versions na ng post na ito ang hindi ko matuloy-tuloy, balik 'Dear Vicky' mode muna ako.

Walang kaso yung load kong naubos. No price tag pagdating sa iyo. Oh wait, may utang ka pa pala, hehehe. (Hindi ito parinig - oh wait, diba may suweldo ka na? So, okay, parinig pala ito.)

As always, bitin ang kuwento. Yung huling piece of information na sinabi ko sa iyo, medyo amusing isipin. Parang 'Been there, done that' at good luck na lang sa iyo. Yun namang sinabi mo sa akin, I seriously think hindi ako yung taong involved. I know that person's bull-headed but not THAT bull-headed to pull off what you think is already taking place. Besides, very scant ang alam niyang details.

Hay Vicky, ako'y restless. In the span of one month, I had to make and un-make decisions. At tinanong mo sa akin ito kanina lang "Eh di ba...." I guess I had to make the first decision in order to see things for what they really are and what they aren't - at least what they are not anymore. Maybe one day, pero hindi muna ngayon.

Pero hindi dahil dito kaya ako'y restless. To be specific, naiinip na ako sa sarili ko. Akala ko nung unang sinabi sa akin ng isang kaibigan na ganito ang nararamdaman niya pagdating sa akin e nagpapaka-profound lang siya. Epek ba.

E kaso, nakausap ko siya last weekend at ang isa pang kaibigan (parang ang dami masyadong kaibigan nun) tungkol sa kung anu-ano na nauwi din sa akin at ang walang katapusang pagpapaliwanag at kuro-kuro sa bagay-bagay at mas na-gets ko ang sarili ko at kung ano yung mga nangyari, e parang may nabuksan na pinto.

At kelangan ko nang mag-English dito.

Not just a door, a window. And a French window at that. Last night I was reduced to a ball of overwhelmed energy. Didn't know if I should scream this one out or cry (as I always do). Or run through the streets naked. Or something. God, something. Anything.

Celebration, vindication, initiation.

Texted the first friend that I'm getting impatient with myself as well. That I'm overwhelmed and that it makes me cry. Got a response that suggested that I stop whatever it was I was doing (couldn't say that all this time I was trying to get some sleep) and play some music. Just bask, the message concluded. Replied that I've been playing a Coldplay song (read: moody Brit song) in my head for some few minutes. Better than iPod, I said. The last message: Cheers :)

My daily schedule is in total disconnect with my thoughts and what I feel I ought to be doing right now. I'm sure you think and feel this sometimes and I think about our imaginary departments and imaginary courses and imaginary groupies and imaginary summer houses. You in Aklan, me in Santander (per your suggestion). Pero ako may private plane, ikaw siguro, private banca. Hahaha.

Thanks for the tip on the new books at Aeon. Siguro naman tatlo lang kaming may interes kay Zizek. Which reminds me, I'll bring Welcome to the Desert of the Real in case we see each other.

Two things:
1. Half of destiny is getting off your butt.
2. Become who you are.

Merci beaucoup, dear Vicky.