emman, for me, will always be old faithful. we may not be coffee-drinking buddies and it is very remote that we'd be very privy to each other's lives but i like the fact that he exists and that he's very much around.

sometimes, i talk to him and i find myself in uncomfortable moments. long pauses always dot our conversations. maybe for me they're long pauses because i don't like silences in conversations. either i barrage my way through a conversation or i'm forever the listener.

i've been in many conversations when i know my function in the equation is what i've wryly called my 'dakilang tagapakinig' role. i've always prided myself in this 'role' because i know i put people at ease and they can tell their stories, problems, concerns to me and i won't judge or tell on them. on the other hand, there are some people to which my presence (i feel) has pretty much been reduced to this. i know it is not their intention to do so but, let's be upfront, you know when your friends really want to know how you really are and when they just want a sounding board, and just that.

the downside to being the perfect listener is the tendency to absorb the emotions thrust on me. if they're pissed, i'm pissed as well. if they're sad, i boo-hoo more than them. before, i thought this was part of empathy. slowly, i've come to realize that it may not just be empathy that's at work here.

i suppose the biggest lesson i've learned so far is the concept of boundaries. when it comes to these things, i'm like an open garage sale not just on business during weekends but weekdays as well and not a nine-to-five affair but 24/7. i've realized that is just too damn tiring.

coupled with boundaries is this unrefined idea i have about balanced equations. to me, relationships with people is like a barter deal. if i'm going to give something to you (or receive something from you), then it only makes sense that the transaction will be fruitful and meaningful if the other party gives something in return (or i give something in return). now, there are no hard and fast rules about equivalencies, and anyway, it was never about equivalencies. it's always about the gesture and the intention. i'd like to think that sharing anything that you're good at or anything given from the goodness of your heart is always a safe bet.

like i tell people, the beginning of a new decade is always significant because seeing that zero after the 1, 2, 3 (and so on) is two-prong - a person is somewhat forced to take stock of what's been happening so far and at the same time it is an opportunity to go in leaps and bounds and start (but really it's continuing) with a clean slate. and so with this whole business of turning thirty, i can't help but gain a stronger and fiercer resolve of truly deciding for myself what is most important for me, what the fundamental things are, things which are dealbreakers for me and what i won't compromise with.

and so with these things come a lot of overhauling. methods which used to work suddenly don't fly anymore. borrowed concepts are slowly tailored to fit one's own principles, subject position, idiosyncracies, etc. i initially viewed these changes as very frightening, things starkly unfamiliar, leaps into the dark done over and over and over. sometimes they're even multiple leaps at one time.

but really, the rules are stupefyingly simple. if something doesn't make sense, it probably doesn't at all. if something doesn't work anymore, it's time to change the rules. if something needs to be worked at, pour your energies to it. then again, there's always low expectations to reel you in.

and really, there's no need to be all melodramatic about it because that's how life works. sure, let the drama seep in for a few moments but after the histrionics and the applause, it can get rather corny, you know.

back to emman. like i said, he's my old faithful. he asks me about my writing (i hint to him, it's getting there, it's getting there), i ask him about his career plans. he asks me about whether i'll come back to the department, i ask him how his kids are - and gets shocked that his elder kid is soon to be a freshman in uplb. he tells me about the sinister politics here in lb, i offer my perspectives on the future of this place. i'm happy that he's more relaxed now, he's happy (i'd like to think) that i'm just that - happy.

until the next conversation...