Parang one million years ago ko nang nasulat yung huli kong post. I mentioned in that installment that I definitely had to go somewhere to have breathing space. That somewhere was Diliman.

I decided to visit catukayo who's neck-deep in teaching units (not to mention MA units) and P, my friend in the English department. I like going to her faculty room, view the greens from her window, take a peek at her bookcase already spilling over with books, books, books. Hindi niya ata naalala na nag-pramis na siya nung isa niya kopya ng Camera Lucida ni Roland Barthes dahil dumoble ang kanyang stock. Oh well, she has been too generous with me in many ways. A lot of catching up with the DECL folks. Told her about the impending troubles in LB. She suggests (for the umpteenth time) that I move to DECL. For the first time, I gave it some thought.

For some reason, I didn't take a peek at J's (my thesis adviser) room, though P told me J had classes that afternoon. I don't know if it's respectful distance or plain hesitance. When I do visit her, I'd rather go to her with some knot in my head that she could help me with. But I do miss the lumbering woman and her feisty temper. Me, P, J and another P - true-blue Sagittarians.

Apparently, my trip yesterday did not let me entirely escape reminders of LB because in less than a few hours, an impromptu mini-reunion of present and ex Humanities teachers took place at different times and places. Stories of past and present experiences in the department inevitably surfaced. Though I didn't completely relish them, it kind of felt good unleashing all of them and leaving them behind at Faculty Center and the popular isawan across Kalayaan Dorm.

Am left again with decisions. I said at the beginning that I have a two-year plan and, upon the end of those two years, make the decision of whether to stay or leave. Now it seems that I'll be forced to make them a wee bit earlier than I expected. No, I'm not apprehensive or scared or anything. I initially consider these unforseen events as inconveniences, then view them as the necessary complications (as catukayo so beautifully puts it) that force you to sit up and think over things. It's strange what kinds of things may happen to you in the span of one year.

I echoed my thoughts to Nanay this morning. As a bonafide member of the LB oldtimers club, she, of course, continues to foist the hope (or illusion?) that no situation lasts forever. True. But I daresay suspect that, as a friend ominously hinted at before, she is deathly scared that I'd leave LB sooner than she thinks. I keep wondering why she continues to place upon my shoulders this rather unfair fear/need. I hate to say it but I have started the process of distancing myself from her. Could this be the beginning of finally severing the umbilical cord that has constantly flinged me to where I want to go (and what I want to be) and yet yank me back in?